A letter to my mom, ten years on…

Moms,

This week I am sharing a letter that I have written to my mom Nuala, she is now 10 years passed – however it still feels like yesterday…

For those of you who have experienced loss and grief I wanted to share how I work through it, part of this process is writing my mom letters, I have done this frequently over the years. For some reason over the last number of weeks, my mom has been in my dreams most nights so I thought it might be a good idea to write to her again – however this time I am sharing this with you all 🙂

Dear Mom,

It’s been over 10 years since you’ve passed and over the last number of weeks, I’ve been having very vivid dreams of you, chatting like old times and planning where we will go out for dinner, therefore it feels like a good time to write you a letter and share how I am getting on after so  many years.

The first thing I can say is grief is always with me – I don’t think it will ever go, it’s not a linear thing, it’s quite bumpy, sometimes forward and then sometimes back! However, I do feel I am able to some degree accept your loss now, it took a lot of soul-searching to finally feel at peace with this.

For me the memories have really helped, I have so many fond memories that I reminisce about (sometimes daily) and am so grateful for all our trips especially to Paris and our last trip to New York, but of course since your passing there are so many important occasions that I  wish you were able to make especially my wedding and the birth of Issey…. however it was not meant to be.

In so many ways you remind me of Issey she has a similar sense of humour and a zest of life, always full of energy and enjoying herself. People always said you were the life and soul of the party. I find that she has this trait. She also loves singing and dancing and would dance until her feet are sore, she loves music so much – just like you. She has the same cheeky giggle and just lights up a room when she enters her energy is so beautiful again just like you.

I know if she had met you, you two would have been best buddies and she would have loved her nanny so much. She, of course, knows about you and we talk about you daily – she also knows how much I miss you and I share this openly so she understands that grief is a human emotion and something we all go through.

Looking back I wish I had savoured every single moment a lot more especially near the end with you. There were times where we would lay down together on the bed while you got your oxygen and just hold hands and not say anything. For those times I wish I had stayed longer with you. I also wish we discussed death more and how your transition would go, however, it never seemed appropriate to bring it up, it almost seemed it was not happening so we didn’t discuss it. I think that’s the way you wanted it.

Knowing what I know now about death I would of said so many things to you before your passing such as it’s okay to let go and don’t worry about your children (as I know you were) and that it’s a beautiful place where you are going and that I know you will visit me frequently on this side in dreams and different synchronicities.  And, I know I will get to meet you again.

I would have also thanked you for being my mom, you were the most amazing and perfect mom for me. I believe I chose you without any doubt to be my mom and I am so grateful for all you did for me, the hours of helping me learn for exams, the encouragement, the love and our hug times.

I would have also shared with you how much I especially loved our catch ups, going out for lunch and dinner and thinking of the next places we would visit. Some of my funniest memories involved you being whisked away by a French man and having the craic while I sat downstairs on my own in a cafe in Montmartre wondering why you were taking so long in the toilet, only to find you laughing out loud and dancing around upstairs in the cafe’s loft.

Or the time in New York on our rickshaw ride when we laughed out loud the whole way back to our hotel and that you tipped our rickshaw guy $50 and asked him if he wanted to have a shower in our hotel as he was sweating profusely from taxing us around that night. Oh, it was such great fun!! My brother, sisters and I still laugh out loud about this 😉

Or how Rok and I were planning on taking you and dad on a surprise trip to Slovenia so you could see where Rok was from and meet his family, however, we never made it there but I now wish I had told you all about this.

Grief is a funny thing somedays I seem to be just fine,  and I think I am finally moving past it, however even 10 years on the grief can just hit me like a tonne of bricks and be all consuming and those days I try and give myself a break and let the sadness in and just be with it. Practising meditation and Reiki has also helped me, it has brought me so much peace. I often think you helped me find these wonderful practices. Of course Rok has been there for me chatting often late into the nights when I found it hard to sleep or just couldn’t make sense of what had happened. My Rok, my family and friends have been there when I needed them, I’ve bended a few ears over the years!!

So mom, please continue to visit me in my dreams and continue sending me signs like feathers, and butterflies as they always help me feel close to you… I will always miss you so much but I know I will see you again.

I LOVE you millions,

Lisa X

Resource: Books that have helped me with my grief

Anita Moorjani – Dying to be me

Anita Moorjani – What if this is heaven?

Mitch Albom – Tuesdays with Morrie 

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How I found my passion… well many really?!!

Hello Moms,

This week I’ve been thinking about all the things I enjoy doing and how these days I actually enjoy many passions – you could say I am a multi-passionate mom?!! While I spend a lot of my time looking after my daughter and this is a blessing I also wanted to share other interests that I have as it’s my belief that having a passion(s) is so beneficial in our lives and I want to share how it’s impacted mine.

When I was younger I had a limited belief that I should only focus all my energies on school especially if I wanted to be successful and earn good money.  I thought as I got older and sometime in the future, I’d get some time to focus on the things that were important to me… thinking having a passion/interest was more of a luxury, not something that I had time for.

Then, after university, I concentrated on climbing the career ladder and put all my energies into this.  It wasn’t until after I had Issey and was quite ill for a period of time that I actually found many passions that I am now pursuing.

On the days where I felt so ill, I started to ask myself if I had my full energy back what would be the things I’d really like to do… I had never asked myself this question before now (probably as I was too focused on my career) however, I knew I really enjoyed cooking but didn’t spend a lot of time doing that always reaching for convenience instead.  However, now that I was on maternity leave, feeling quite ill I started researching and realised that focusing on my nutrition could really help me. I started experimenting with nutritious cooking, which I loved and then moved onto experimenting with juicing and smoothies.

My family will remember this time well, both Rok and I arriving with juicers and laden down with organic shopping, new finds, and new recipes ;0

Next, I became fascinated with non-fiction books especially topics regarding how to reduce stress and how our mind influences our thoughts, beliefs, and our body. And, from that exploring the benefits of mindfulness and meditation.

This extended into practicing daily meditation and after introducing this new daily practice (which was at the time was quite radical to me as nobody I knew did this) did things really start to change for me.

So what happened:

After a period of cooking/eating nutritious food, practicing daily meditation learning everything about health,  my energy started to increase and the body pain that I had for so long after the birth of Issey started to go away Hallelujah! As you can imagine I was overjoyed and wanted to share this information with everyone. ;0, What’s more, I loved learning and doing all these things… which ironically became my passions 🙂

Then 2 years ago I went for a Reiki treatment and found immense peace and relaxation after just one session so then I was off to learn Reiki and last year became a certified Reiki practitioner.  Reiki has really helped me with so much with my confidence, in the last year alone I’ve set up my Reiki business, have attended conferences, completed lots of online courses and also started this blog and a private FaceBook group for Moms.  So now Reiki has been added to my passion list :0  I’m grateful to have so many!

So I hear you say why does it matter to have a passion and why should I think about this at all…

I believe if we have a passion or as it’s turned out in my case many passions.. the joy this brings us radiates out to all friends and family. This will have a tremendous positive impact on all our relationships.

When we engage in our passions we feel like we are connected/doing something bigger than ourselves… That’s how I feel when I practice Reiki on a client and discuss the benefits of meditation and mindfulness with them.  It actually gives me energy!

Having a passion also creates new inspiration and creativity and so since starting with experimenting with recipes, I’ve moved onto lots of other things and have many other ideas that I want to pursue. And, will hopefully get to do these things over the next few years… life seems full of possibilities, not just routine.

So moms, do you spend time following your joy/passions?  What does this look like for you (note it’s different for everyone)

This could be your job/career, it could be your part-time or full-time business, it could be writing, or cooking, or a special place you enjoy escaping/traveling to.  It could be spending quality time with your family and friends, or volunteering somewhere…

Or maybe you haven’t found it yet.. and maybe you could set aside an hour to think about this and write down all the things you enjoy doing and seeing if you can integrate more of these into your daily life?

Knowing what your passion is and ensuring you experience it as often as you can, will bring more joy and energy into your life, well that’s what I’ve experienced for myself.  Who doesn’t want more of that…!

As always, I’d love to hear from you so please feel free to share your passions and how you discovered them or whether you’re still figuring this out…

Lots of love and best wishes to you,

Lisa X

Moms speaking their truth

Hello Moms!

This is my first blog post 🙂

I’ve decided to create this blog and post as often as I can on all the joys and challenges of being a mom?!!!

I’m also looking for a connection with other moms out there.  Perhaps we can help each other and offer support.

Having left my full-time role as a self-employed business analyst last year and now being home with my beautiful Issey all the time – I thought having this blog would be something that’s just for me.

My aim is to also set up a private Facebook group so we can post images, questions and provide a safe space for us all to connect.

I consider myself a multi-passionate mom, so that means I have lots of interests: besides trying to be the best mom to my daughter I also love learning about nutrition, essential oils and cooking especially anything related to plant-based meals, juices, and smoothies. I absolutely love reading (especially self-help books – particularly interested in the mind-body connection), meditating (nearly 4 years of practice now… ;0) yoga and practicing Reiki (delighted to become a practitioner last year). These are just some of my passions –  perhaps you’d like to share some of yours with me…

Love to hear from you…

Best wishes, Lisa X