This week I am sharing a letter that I have written to my mom Nuala, she is now 10 years passed – however it still feels like yesterday…
For those of you who have experienced loss and grief I wanted to share how I work through it, part of this process is writing my mom letters, I have done this frequently over the years. For some reason over the last number of weeks, my mom has been in my dreams most nights so I thought it might be a good idea to write to her again – however this time I am sharing this with you all 🙂
It’s been over 10 years since you’ve passed and over the last number of weeks, I’ve been having very vivid dreams of you, chatting like old times and planning where we will go out for dinner, therefore it feels like a good time to write you a letter and share how I am getting on after so many years.
The first thing I can say is grief is always with me – I don’t think it will ever go, it’s not a linear thing, it’s quite bumpy, sometimes forward and then sometimes back! However, I do feel I am able to some degree accept your loss now, it took a lot of soul-searching to finally feel at peace with this.
For me the memories have really helped, I have so many fond memories that I reminisce about (sometimes daily) and am so grateful for all our trips especially to Paris and our last trip to New York, but of course since your passing there are so many important occasions that I wish you were able to make especially my wedding and the birth of Issey…. however it was not meant to be.
In so many ways you remind me of Issey she has a similar sense of humour and a zest of life, always full of energy and enjoying herself. People always said you were the life and soul of the party. I find that she has this trait. She also loves singing and dancing and would dance until her feet are sore, she loves music so much – just like you. She has the same cheeky giggle and just lights up a room when she enters her energy is so beautiful again just like you.
I know if she had met you, you two would have been best buddies and she would have loved her nanny so much. She, of course, knows about you and we talk about you daily – she also knows how much I miss you and I share this openly so she understands that grief is a human emotion and something we all go through.
Looking back I wish I had savoured every single moment a lot more especially near the end with you. There were times where we would lay down together on the bed while you got your oxygen and just hold hands and not say anything. For those times I wish I had stayed longer with you. I also wish we discussed death more and how your transition would go, however, it never seemed appropriate to bring it up, it almost seemed it was not happening so we didn’t discuss it. I think that’s the way you wanted it.
Knowing what I know now about death I would of said so many things to you before your passing such as it’s okay to let go and don’t worry about your children (as I know you were) and that it’s a beautiful place where you are going and that I know you will visit me frequently on this side in dreams and different synchronicities. And, I know I will get to meet you again.
I would have also thanked you for being my mom, you were the most amazing and perfect mom for me. I believe I chose you without any doubt to be my mom and I am so grateful for all you did for me, the hours of helping me learn for exams, the encouragement, the love and our hug times.
I would have also shared with you how much I especially loved our catch ups, going out for lunch and dinner and thinking of the next places we would visit. Some of my funniest memories involved you being whisked away by a French man and having the craic while I sat downstairs on my own in a cafe in Montmartre wondering why you were taking so long in the toilet, only to find you laughing out loud and dancing around upstairs in the cafe’s loft.
Or the time in New York on our rickshaw ride when we laughed out loud the whole way back to our hotel and that you tipped our rickshaw guy $50 and asked him if he wanted to have a shower in our hotel as he was sweating profusely from taxing us around that night. Oh, it was such great fun!! My brother, sisters and I still laugh out loud about this 😉
Or how Rok and I were planning on taking you and dad on a surprise trip to Slovenia so you could see where Rok was from and meet his family, however, we never made it there but I now wish I had told you all about this.
Grief is a funny thing somedays I seem to be just fine, and I think I am finally moving past it, however even 10 years on the grief can just hit me like a tonne of bricks and be all consuming and those days I try and give myself a break and let the sadness in and just be with it. Practising meditation and Reiki has also helped me, it has brought me so much peace. I often think you helped me find these wonderful practices. Of course Rok has been there for me chatting often late into the nights when I found it hard to sleep or just couldn’t make sense of what had happened. My Rok, my family and friends have been there when I needed them, I’ve bended a few ears over the years!!
So mom, please continue to visit me in my dreams and continue sending me signs like feathers, and butterflies as they always help me feel close to you… I will always miss you so much but I know I will see you again.
I LOVE you millions,
Resource: Books that have helped me with my grief